What if Vijaykant decides to play for Arsenal

My good friend Vinod while writing about Emirates Air's new sponsorship deal with Arsenal suggested that Arsenal with their new found wealth could get big stars like Vijaykant(he's BIG alright and he's more like a black hole than a bright shimmering star) to play for them. That got me thinking. What would happen if indeed Vijaykant started playing for Arsenal?

Patrick Vieira is gonna have to step down. Now i don't have to explain this. There can be only ONE captain in the team. They'll have to get 42 metres of cloth to make the captain's arm band to fit it around Vijaykant's bulging(with fat) arm

They would have to reinforce the football stadia he's gonna be playing 'coz no football stadium i know of is earthquake resistant. Now why would they need earthquake resistant stadia?? well... imagine a herd of elephants running , the earth trembling begging for mercy ; that's the kind of impact Vijaykant with his 7 tons of make up will have when he's gonna run after a ball trying to kick it between 2 czechs.

The viewership of EPL matches is going to go thru the roof as all the captains men would want to watch his antics especially those who missed his circus days. This would mean that CAS gets revoked (yippeeeee!!!!) or ESPN becomes free to air or DD starts showing EPL 'coz how the hell are we, in Chennai supposed to watch the bloody matches

The referee's job is going to be that much easier, as by seeing the injury he'll be able to tell that Vijaykant is responsible for the blow. Of course Vijaykant is such an honest goody guy that he'll probably take the red card and leave the field (phew!!!!!).

Thierry Henri is going to lose all his sponsors as everyone would be backing the new(old, really old) kid [sic] on the block.

People who don't know much about football will be wondering which the ball is- what captain is chasing or what is chasing it.

Commentary would not be needed. Just give Vijaykant a mike and all the sound u need for the match will be there. Of course if u don't understand Tamil ur lucky because then u don't have to feel guilty about not having made any sense of his lines.

U would only need the most sophisticated software like Microsoft's Paint to do all the television graphics.

And most importantly Arsenal will have no fear of losing... u kant lose with a guy whose name means victory in the team